It's Stupid, but it Makes Sense

"If I had the minutes, I would turn 'em into hours
And make love to your mind not your body instead
I was just a fool, a fool for you
That didn’t know what I had until I lost you
Every single moment
That you’re not here
It's evident to me that everything just seems so clear

And I want it all back
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all back
I want it all back, I want it all, I want it all
Girl I want it all
You never miss a good thing 'til it's gone,
I want it all, now I want it all."

-Chris Brown's All Back

When you don't know quite how to express yourself, why try? Someone else already has for you. I keep finding more and more songs that express what I'm feeling (whatever the feeling may be) better than I ever could myself. Things always sound better in my head before they reach the paper or come out my mouth. Ha.

♥ music

Ironic how I'd choose a pop song to give an example of just how great music seems to express things for me. Makes me embarrassed; of all the music I could share publicly, I choose one as unsophisticated as this. Lately, I've been listening to my playlist containing Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Sade, John Legend, Adele, Amy Winehouse, Kelly Clarkson, Whitney Huston, Arethra Franklin... but I chose this song after one listen. The lyrics are stupid but it does fit. Then again, feelings are stupid anyway.

I'm glad I still have this untouched, forgotten, and sparsely used place to throw my randomness. This place was never meant to be found because it's just for me. Oh Xanga.More Here...

I Think I've Done It

I had a talk with Kuya Al today.

I hope this isn't one of his fucked up plans like back in March, but I genuinely believe him this time around. Mostly because he wants to get over you too.

Anyway, he told me what I needed to hear to get over you. I don't think I'll ever forget today; what he said, what I said.

I was pretty pissed, considering I told you multiple times, especially after the first time, to never tell me what I want to hear- tell me what you really feel instead. When I found out you were telling me what I wanted to hear, it made the fact of wanting to wait for you feel even worse. Or stupid for that matter.

The reason it's taking me so much longer compared to my past "relationships" is because you gave me "false" hope. Well, that's what he made it seem as and that's how I'm taking it.

If you really did mean it, then I'm glad.

But for now, I'll never know. Not for another two years. And because of that, I'm over you but I'm willing to keep it open for you. But I'm also cautious as hell. It'll be so much harder to trust you, even as a friend.

I know you told me once, right before it ended, that I'm too good for you. Maybe. Maybe you're right. But that's for me to decide. I know what you're capable of and I know what you do to cut yourself short. I can tell the difference of really not wanting something and just giving up or pretending it's not possible. I'm the queen of pretending, I know what you're doing.

So I'm here, willing to work with you. I just need to know that you want me. That you want it to be me who sticks with you. And if you don't know, if you can't say yes or no, that's fine. Because I'll wait till there is an answer.

For now, I'm over you almost completely. And when I can tell you what I said above, I'll give you all the damn space you need. Because I refuse to believe distance is what broke this. It's not over till I see we truly aren't meant to be.

Annnnd, this is why I want to hate you. Because you've put me in this grey area where I won't ever really know for the next two years where we stand. If you meant what you said to me, then I can't just drop you or give up. If you didn't, then I should just forget everything about you. I don't know now and I don't think I'll know for a long time. I want to hate you, I want to stay mad at you about this whole situation. But for some GOD damn reason, I can't. Because for some GOD damn reason, I understand you when none of this should even be making any sense.

Everything I felt is in that conversation with Al. I'll never forget it.

I still love you, unfortunately. But do I like you? Hell no. Not right now.

So for the sake of my sanity, I hope you never play with me that way again.

"Smoke Gets In Your Eyes"

Smoking survey called my phone while on the way to school. Reminded me of you. They asked if they should raise the tax by X, Y, Z amount of dollars and I said the highest amount because I secretly wish it would stop you from smoking.

Your habit is probably the ONE reason why I couldn't or wouldn't get back with you. Unless of course you cut back to five like you promised.

But a part of me doubts it. You always sucked at keeping the promises that did matter. And that would be the second reason why I couldn't or wouldn't come back to you.

Why did I like you again?

Oh right, "Bad Romance." Apparently I like people who are just as messed up as I am.

If you are keeping that promise, then I couldn't be any more proud and I'm deeply sorry for doubting you, even in the slightest. I always said I'd have your back 100% but this is the one thing  I knew we could never completely agree on.

It's weird, I remember smoking with you and being okay with it in the beginning of our relationship. I guess I really didn't think we were gonna last and so I said it was okay if I smoked for now because I knew I'd never smoke regularly anyway. No addictions, that's my rule.

But the longer we stayed together, the more I worried about your health and the more I worried about mine. And so I quit and I wished that you would too. You worry me sometimes.

All the time.

I also remember when the smell of menthol cigarettes would remind me of you and I'd smile. Now I wish I could just stay away from it. Mostly because I don't want to remember you and only partly because I know it's bad for me. When someone smokes regular cigarettes, I don't care. Maybe it's just the menthol that I wish I couldn't smell.

I guess I broke my rule. You managed to get me addicted to whatever I would feel when we were still together. Get me addicted to you. As cheesy as that sounds.

"They said some day you'll find
All who love are blind
When your heart's on fire, you must realize
Smoke Gets in your eyes

So I chaffed them and I gaily laughed
To think they could doubt my love"

Haha ok if I type any more of that Platter's song, this will get more depressing than it needs to be. Just thought it'd be a nice way to end the post and make it less random.


Shout out to Dawn and Kuya Leo (it's been a while, Kuya!!!) for still reading my Xanga haha. Can't wait to see you this week, Dawn!

Today Was a Stormy Day

Literally and Figuratively.

Hail storm in the middle of the summer, a girl asked me out today and said she wanted to get to know more about me, and I told Cat everything.

Funny how such a gloomy day made me feel really good for some reason. But that just may be because I got such a 'runner's high' at the gym today. I somehow managed to pull off jogging 3.6 miles in under 35 minutes. Pretty good for someone who hasn't been in shape in two years and just started getting back into it for 3 weeks now. I did a weigh in just for fun today and I gained the 5 lbs that I lost 2 weeks ago when all I did was cardio. I guess the muscle training is working if I'm gaining weight. My gym buddies say they see results in my arms (biceps and deltoids), thighs, and obliques. I guess I still gotta work on my glutes, back, and lower abdomen...

Ha, the only thing I notice is that I swear my breasts are growing.

I didn't mind the hail, I was in the gym the entire 90 minute storm. As soon as I left, I saw branches everywhere though! Must've been crazy. Oh well, my car was okay so I don't really care. Wish I could have caught a glimpse of it though, sure it would've been cool to look at. My friends were texting me, saying it was the size of ice cubes.

The girl asking me out was kind of random. I had only met her through a mutual friend on Friday night and I don't even know her last name. I guess she found out that I'm gay and asked for my number... She's cute, but I can tell from our night out that she's too crazy for me. Plus, who names their kids Margarita anymore?

Cat, Andy, and Mary came by today before the gym. Cat went inside my room to take a nap on my bed and I told her everything. I laid in bed with her and only planned to tell her that you and I broke up but of course, being the caring person she is, she wanted to know more. I hate how you never really got to know her. I mean, I know why but she said that she thought you were cool from what she was able to see in your short meeting(s). She's such an influential person in my life and you only got to know the bad side of her because of what her and I were going through. I really hate the fact that I had to have such a great time with you while her and I were going through such a horrible time in our relationship. And now the tables have turn. I guess the saying is true, you have to close one door to let another open.

She knew exactly what to say to me, and without me even asking or saying, she was able to read every emotion or thought I've had since I came back home and we ended. Like how I wish I were older (ha, wait, I've always wished I was older) more so than ever, or that my mom took the job in California instead of Florida, or that I could call or text freely. She even knew that there were days where I just want to pick up my phone and see how you're doing, even as just a platonic friend. I'm just happy that she acknowledged my feelings and our relationship as something serious. I was afraid that she'd think it was some silly relationship again, but who could blame her- she knew more than anyone that I never wanted to get serious with any person I dated. Besides you, she understood more than anyone that I had deep trust issues.

She was shocked that it had been over a month already. As she said, I hadn't been showing any signs, it looked as if everything was normal. She felt bad that she would joke about you and me for a whole month and I just smiled as if there was something to smile about. But I told her I just don't want to talk about it anymore because I'm afraid how hard I'll cry in front of someone. Ironically enough, as soon as I said that, I couldn't stop crying.

One thing that did stick with me is that she said she hopes my trust issues don't grow because of you. I don't know if they will, if they do, I don't want to blame you. But it's hard starting over, especially with someone new. Though I know I should, some day. One day.

She said three months. Three months and I'll get over you.

I guess I have two more left.

I told her that I'm okay going back to being alone and just mingling; meeting new people and growing on my own. I mean I always knew I'd be okay with being with one person eventually, but I'd never look, crave, or dream it. Sure, I'm open to the idea, being with one person forever, but I'll also accept it if I'm alone. She said that she'd pray that I wouldn't think that way and that she doesn't lie to flatter people so what she said next was a big compliment. She said anyone would be lucky to have me because I can give anyone anything they could possibly want before I even think of myself, all without having to lose the definition of myself in the process. I know who I am, what I want, what I'm capable of, and when to bend but I also know how to please and meet in the middle.

She asked me if I think if you still think about me or feel the same or if you're hurting as much as I am/did. I said I hoped you did for the sake of it all having meant something special but I doubt it. I know how different you are. I shove my emotions and pretend but the moment I get time alone, they come flooding. And you just act as if nothing happened.

I think I'll try it your way like I said in my last entry. It seems to work.

I Saw Something Today

Something I probably shouldn't have probably seen.

My sister was on her Facebook while I was sitting next to her and I absentmindedly just watched what she was doing or reading. I really wish I wouldn't have because I probably would have saved myself from this itching feeling turning into doubt.

It's probably not me who got away, I was the one let go. Or at least that's the way I'm looking at it.

Maybe I should've listen to what you told me because apparently you were right, being a Curious George is a bad thing. I shouldn't have read it. I was doing so well lately, pretending not to care. Letting you handle what happened the way you do while I handle mine differently.

I guess it's not working. I really have to tell myself not to care, tell myself that everything that happened once again, did not count. Just like I said years ago, nothing counts, not even this time. Everything that was said and done did not count. No meaning means no sentimental value. No sentimental value means no attachment. And no attachment means indifference towards feelings. Easier said than done this time around. Last time, I wanted to do this, this time, I feel like I have to do this.

No one's ever given me such problems like this. None of my exes, friends, or even family (well, Cat is the exception but you helped me with that). This is such a odd feeling to have towards someone else, especially someone you [still] care about. It makes me so upset at you, getting me like this when no one else has. No one should have such a pull on me, no one. At least that's what I've told myself for so long before I met you. Years of strength torn down in less than half the time it took me to build it up. But I still refuse to call myself weak.

It's okay, I know the method I used last time will eventually work. I'm really good at fooling myself and it worked before, it'll work again.

I feel disgusting sounding (err, coming across?) like this. It's so... sad. I don't feel sad or depressed however. Maybe a little hurt, but I know that's normal. It's not as bad as when it first started. I'm actually quite proud, I've been acting as if everything is normal again and as if nothing REALLY did happen. Hmm, guess this really must be myself pretending because there's no reason for me to write about any of this if it really weren't getting to me. I don't mean to seem sad or depressed either. None of my friends have told me I need to cheer up or get over it. In fact, they tell me I'm doing a good job surprisingly enough.

The one thing I've got left to do is to not get this urge to want to call to tell you anything and everything, especially hardships. Wednesday morning was such hell, all I wanted to do was just call. I almost left my house that day, I even started looking for my bags to pack. But then I heard my sister in her room and I was reminded of why I couldn't leave. I guess it's okay, I traded it off calling you instead by going to South Beach that night, drinking till 4AM, and trying to not remember how much you liked it there.

I've given it some thought weeks ago, even back in March when I thought we were seriously over. I wanted to write letters to you in our time apart. But seeing as I'd never get a response and it's just a waste of paper, I'll probably just write here. No one looks at this crap anymore anyway and I really don't want to have to bring you up in conversations with my friends. It breaks the whole "I'm Okay" image, ya know?

I don't have much to do today... or at least it feels that way. Maybe I've been going out too much and being with friends all day that I forget what it's like to have down time. Or worse, alone time. Weird, I used to love having time to myself because my life would be so hectic that the rare moments of peace were so welcomed. I think I just...don't want to think anymore. Mae said it's better to have time to myself rather than drown my thoughts to the background and mask it with having a fun time with friends. Mae might be right but I honestly thought I've given it enough thought. I think sleepless nights is enough thinking about it.

I'm being forced to go to some dinner party tonight so my mom can show me off to all her friends again while they talk about their sons. It's been a while since I've done this. I really don't care for this crap, never have. I'm supposed to be going to the movies tonight in Miami Beach to watch Super 8. I've never been one to watch films for its cinematography (hence why I'm the only person alive who hasn't seen Avatar...), but Super 8 looks like it has a good story.

Shout out to one of my most caring and long time friends, Jason. Thanks for all your kind words throughout the years.